If you’ve been in a serious relationship for any length of time, you’re likely getting an earful of the same question over and over, usually from your grandmother, and always at family reunions or holiday gatherings.
“So, when are you getting married?”
(First of all, mind your business, Granny!) The decision of when, or if, you decide to get married is yours, and yours alone. It’s one you’ll make in due time and after you do your due diligence.
During the course of every relationship, you’ll have conversations that might one day lead to another important question: “Will you marry me?”
These conversations should include a lot of questions that give the two of you important information about what married life will be like if and when the time comes.
Here, then, are 10 questions to ask your partner before getting married.
Do You Want Kids?
This is a biggie.
Once you’re married, you can’t “sort of” want kids. You gotta pull out if you aren’t committed, and it’s easier, cheaper and less messy to do it before you get married.
Kids are forever. Making a new human isn’t something you can take back.
And if you find yourself with someone who really really wants kids, and you’re kinda “meh” on it, your marriage might be over before it ever gets started.
Don’t assume your partner will change their mind later. Get it figured out now.
Don’t feel obligated by societal pressure to say you want kids, and don’t press your partner to agree to want to have kids.
The choice to be child-free is becoming more prevalent, and whatever you decide is ok.
Just make sure your partner wants the same thing. It’s no longer taboo to talk about this topic. So ask away.
Should We Consider Signing Prenups?
No one ever enters a marriage believing it will end in divorce. But it happens.
Signing a contract that dictates how the money is split in the event of a split is a way to protect assets if one partner has a lot more than the other. Like anything involving lawyers, getting this legal document isn’t cheap.
There are situations where your partner will want one. And there are situations where you’ll want one. Talk it out, if you’ve got a reason to.
Such a weighty topic will not be an easy lift. Bringing up the potential failure of your marriage can feel hurtful and mean.
Plus, the way that you navigate this subject could be very indicative of how other hard conversations will go through your marriage.
Be easy on each other. Be thoughtful and approach this one with love if you feel kit must be brought up in your situation,
Obligatory Disclaimer: I’m definitely not an attorney or financial advisor. Don’t trust me to know what that conversation should include or entail.
Where Will We Live After We Get Married?
The answer here is certainly less permanent, but setting down roots, being part of a community and tying yourself to a lifestyle based on where you live has some major consequences.
Sometimes it’s as easy as, “My apartment or yours,” and you’ll figure out the rest later. But now is a good time to take this topic deeper.
Are you someone who loves living in a city, downtown in a hip neighborhood and close to the action?
Or are the suburbs, miles and miles of strip malls and soccer fields more your style?
Does the location of your job come into play?
Is your current city and state where you ultimately want to be, or do the two of you dream of moving somewhere else?
Is that spot the same for both of you?
Are your family and friends nearby?
Is it a good place to live as you grow older and start a family?
Moving is hard. House hunting sucks and breaking free from one lease and taking on another, or buying a place and getting a mortgage, is a big pain-in-the-ass process.
It’s human nature for people to get set in their routines and become familiar with a place after a while, so the first place you live together after getting married might end up being more permanent than you think.
Make sure you talk about this possibility and make other, more concrete plans if the idea of that happening makes you wanna die a little.
What Style of Decor or Wedding Theme Do You Want?
There’s a lot of pressure to make everything perfect on your wedding day.
Dreams can be shattered if the smallest little thing isn’t what you pictured.
If one or both of you have strong feelings about it then this could cause some drama.
Bridezillas (and the occasional Groomzillas) aren’t fictional characters. They aren’t like Bigfoot; they actually exist and they can be really scary and destructive.
Figure out what the two of you want your wedding day to look like and get on the same page.
Or maybe just let the person who’s got the bigger attachment to their vision have their way. It’s not worth stressing over. It’s one damn day — just make sure you agree on the honeymoon!
Where Will We Spend the Holidays?
When you get married, you don’t just commit to your spouse; you commit to their family and their traditions, and their expectations.
If your inlaws have always rented a summer house on the shore for a couple weeks surrounding 4th of July and you’d rather be camping in Montana, then there could be a different kind of fireworks.
Apple-picking, pie-baking and Thanksgiving at the farm can be great, but what if it’s not the sandy beach getaway your new spouse is used to going on each fall.
Is Easter a thing in your new family? Sounds like the perfect time to go to Vegas for a long weekend to some people, but for others it’s a sin to forgo family traditions.
Where do the two of you actually want to spend the holidays as a pair? Likely this will be a compromise. Expect old traditions to merge with new ones.
Be open-minded and honest about what each of you want, and see how you can make the both of you happy.
Making yourselves happy might mean pissing off other people in your lives, but you gotta make sure that’s what the two of you want, because from here on out you’ll be in it together, for better or for worse.
How Do You Envision Our Future Together?
I know, that’s an open-ended question if there ever was one. As such, you can use this question to start the more detailed and serious conversations on the other need to discuss topics. For example:
“How do you envision our future together raising kids?”
“How do you envision our future together in the suburbs?”
“How do you envision our future together when it comes to Thanksgiving?”
These are good ways to get the conversation going. Notice how adding those two words “envision” and “future” lends itself to getting at how you really feel about each of those topics.
Playing out each of those scenarios in your own words will give you both some hard examples of what the future will look like, and it’ll help you talk out things you didn’t realize about your own future visions.
Marriage is a wish for a happy future together, but without defining what that future is, everything can get kinda wishy-washy.
Paint a clear picture together so you can understand where each of you is coming from and where you are going together.
How Do You Feel About a Joint Bank Account?
You and your partner should get on the same page when it comes to getting on the same bank account or not.
Finances and money problems are the number one contributor to divorce. Work out the nitty-gritty ahead of time.
Knowing your partner’s credit score is as important or more important than asking them their astrological sign.
And knowing where your combined resources go will help the two of you reach shared life goals as a married couple.
Look — we’re not in the business of providing financial advice. But we can point you to resources and experts who do make it their business to dole out advice.
Some experts say combining your finances goes a long way towards helping couples avoid divorce because it forces them to talk about money and their marriage.
You can’t reach your goals and fulfill your dreams together if you aren’t working on them together. And when you aren’t together, you’re separate. Seems simple enough. Two is better than one.
And as Senator Elizabeth Warren tells it in her books “The Two Income Trap” and “A Fighting Chance,” two incomes is the only way for the middle class to get ahead, if there’s any getting ahead at all.
On the other side of the coin is advice in favor of keeping your accounts separate. But do you know who’s speaking on behalf of not having joint accounts? The banks.
Sus.
The top 3 hits on Google for the query, “is it good to have separate bank accounts when you’re married,” are all from banks and financial institutions, presumably because the more accounts they keep open, the more money they’ll make off of us.
Opening accounts is a gold mine for the banks — just ask Wells Fargo who did so illegally to the tune of 3.5 million fake accounts.
What Are Your Career Goals and How Do They Fit Into Our Future as a Couple?
Another question about necessary evils — work. Long hours and late nights at the office may get you further up the corporate ladder, but they’re also a sure fire way to spend a lot of time away from each other.
“Work-life balance” is a buzz phrase these days because tipping the scales too far in one direction can be a real buzz kill.
The old adage is true: all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy with a lot of shiny pennies.
How will your work life affect your home life?
Will the stresses of the office seep into your downtime and make dinner time conversation a real downer?
Will you need to go out of town on a lot on business trips to the detriment of quality time spent together?
Does the calendar dictate too many personal decisions for the two of you?
With luck, you’ll continue to grow in your careers. You’ll gain experience, you’ll change roles, you’ll take on more responsibilities…
But until retirement, the stress of work never goes away.
Things change but they never really get easier. The challenge just change along the way. Talk about how your career goals and your lives together will function as a whole.
You and your partner’s career goals will no-doubt play a factor in your marriage; just ask yourselves, is it doable and will we be happy doing it?
How Do You Handle Stress or Disagreements?
Marriage isn’t all sunshine and rainbows. This is where the “worse” part of the “for better or worse” vow comes in.
Asking someone how they handle stress or disagreements may not give you the most accurate picture of how they handle stress or disagreements.
You’ll probably want some first-hand experience with this; witnessing it will give you a better understanding than a self-assessment from your partner.
If you’re together for long enough, conflict will arise. Wait for it and then take mental notes. You should watch for indicators of not being able to deal with it in a healthy way.
Hot-headedness, acting superior, avoiding conflict by shutting down, failing to take responsibility and selfishness are all not good signs and could lead to bumps in the road later in the journey.
Not many of us had perfect examples of conflict resolution growing up, so issues that pop up during disagreements with your partner don’t spell the end.
Premarital counseling is all the rage and can contribute to a healthier marriage long-term.
How Do You Feel About Taking Care of Our Parents as They Age?
How you deal with aging parents can have an outsized effect on your lifestyle when you reach middle age and near retirement.
Right at the point where you’re ready to quit the rat race and enjoy your golden years, your parents will be needing assistance.
Is it going to fall to the two of you to be their caretakers?
Will you continue to live near them so that you can drive them to doctor appointments or shuttle them to their Wednesday Bingo game?
Will you invite them to move in with you?
Do you want or need to help them with their expenses?
Adding aging parents to your list of potential future responsibilities is a lot like considering adding kids to the mix.
They take up a lot of time and energy (both physical and emotional), so you’ll want to have put some thought and discussion into where your parents will fit in your life.
You might be flying the coop now, spreading your wings and building your own nest, but one day most everyone’s parents either migrate to Florida or move into the spare bedroom.
It’s a Big Ocean
Can you bridge the gaps between your answers, or is the divide as wide as the sea?
If you’re not vibing with your partner’s answers, there are two solutions: 1) cut bait and go fishing for another one of the millions of fish in the sea or 2) hire a fishing guide to pilot you through the rough patches.
If you’re getting pretty deep into the waters on this particular fishing trip, it might be time to decide if premarital counseling is right for you.
